Monster
by me-te-aroha
Summary: Bellamy and Clarke after Bellamy kills Dax. How I would have liked that conversation to go. Please review and let me know what you think?


I'm a monster" whispered Bellamy, "Charlotte, Wells, Roma, 300 on the ark and now Dax. They all died because of me."

Clarke stared at Bellamy, unsure of what to say. She'd known since the day she found him with Atom dying in front of him, that much of his toughness was actually bravado. Armour to keep people from looking too deeply within but this... this was unexpected. She knew that he hated to show weakness and his vulnerability now almost scared her. It made him seem so young and so in need of comfort; she found herself moving forward without even thinking about it. She shuffled round so she was kneeling between his knees as he lent back on the tree trunk. She gently put her hands on either side of his face and pulled it up so he had to look her in the eye. His face was scraped and bruised and his eyes full of tears.

"Bellamy, you are not a monster. You never meant for anyone to die and so many other people are part of what happened; this is not all on you. Since we got down here everything you have done has been to survive and to protect Octavia - the same as the rest of us! You didn't know about the culling, you didn't make it happen and you would have stopped it if you could. And Charlotte? She should never have been sent down here, she was just a child. You tried to help her, you were kind to her. Nobody could have guessed she would do what she did and if you want to blame someone for that, blame me. I should have listened to you. The Ark sent us down here to die and they are the ones with blood on their hands. Even now one of them sent Dax to kill you and he would have killed me: you saved my life!"

"Bellamy, no! Its not all on you. None of this would have happened if the Ark hadn't sent us down here to die. They sent a kid like Charlotte who should never have been down here. You were the only person to look out for her and its my fault that she died because I didn't listen to you. You couldn't have known what she would do to Wells, you wanted to protect her just like you try so hard to protect Octavia. And like you're trying now to protect all of us from the Grounders; they killed Roma, not you. The Ark sent us down with no provisions, no weapons and no clue how to survive. You are the one making these kids work together so we have a chance to live. But even now the Ark sent Dax to kill you and he would have killed me if you hadn't stopped him. Bellamy, people aren't dead because of you, they are alive because of you."

Bellamy's eyes were dull and unfocussed and full of unshed tears.

"Princess, I appreciate what you are trying to do but I know what I am."

"You are an idiot, that's what" Clarke shot back. "You want to feel sorry for yourself, fine. But don't fool yourself that nobody can see beneath that jackass exterior. I know you're not a killer. You try to pretend you don't care, that nobody matters to you but everything you do is for the good of the everyone else. You made them build walls, train, hunt, prepare for the life we have to live down here. And I see you with the younger kids, making sure they have somewhere warm to sleep and enough food. They are alive because of you, _we_ are alive because of you. You are not a monster!"

Bellamy raised one of his hands to cover hers, still pressed against his cheek.

"Clarke, you try to see the best in everyone but some of us just aren't worth it. I'm not. I'm a selfish bastard, just trying to protect myself."

"Still an idiot" Clarke could hear her voice rising. Part of her couldn't believe she was saying these things to the guy who had opposed her since the first minute they landed. But although she had many faults, Clarke was generous in defeat. She formed strong opinions quickly but if they were proved wrong she had no hesitation in admitting it. And with Bellamy she had been wrong. He had seemed so straightforward those first few days. An arrogant, thick-headed, self-serving dick. The arrogance was true enough, on occasion, but he had shown himself to be a born leader with great instincts and care for his people, even though he tried hard to project a heartless image.

He also had the most beautiful eyes she had ever seen. Dark and full of expression, they radiated hostility and aggression 99% of the time, but when he let his guard down, like now, they showed her everything about the man.

Clarke took a deep breath. Stubbornness was definitely another quality he possessed, but hell, so did she. If he thought she was going to give up on him, he thought wrong.

"Every day I wake up, the first thought in my head is how am I going to get us all through another day. Every decision I make is about how to keep us all alive. I am terrified, all day, every day, that something is going to happen to someone and I won't be able to fix it. The only thing that gets me through is knowing that I'm not doing it on my own - you are with me trying to do the same thing. Bellamy, I couldn't do it without you. None of us could do it without you - they need you. I need you."

The strain and exhaustion were beginning to tell on Clarke. Her voice started cracking and the tears she had tried hard to hold back were beginning to spill over. The thought of him walking away from them all and leaving her to lead on her own terrified her. And the thought of never seeing him again left her feeling truly bereft.

Before she could react, in one swift move Bellamy picked her up, straightened his legs and lowered her onto his lap. Keeping one arm around her, the other hand gently drew her into his chest while his chin came down to rest on top of her head. It was the first close contact Clarke had had since Finn walked away from her to Raven. It was unbelievably comforting but it also broke through the walls she had built to keep herself together. She clutched Bellamy's shirt as sobs tore through her body. Clarke seldom cried and would normally have been horrified at the thought of breaking down in front of anyone, particularly Bellamy Blake, but nothing was normal right now. His hand on her head was gently stroking her hair and she could hear him whispering that it would all be ok.

After a few minutes her sobs subsided and she began taking deep, shaky breaths, trying to calm herself. She pulled herself upright and looked at Bellamy

"Don't leave us."

He just smiled and gently moved tear-soaked strands of her hair from her face.

"I won't leave you." he whispered.

Looking into each other's eyes the moment stretched out, neither of them wanting to break the contact. Clarke suddenly became aware of how close their bodies were. She was still on Bellamy's lap with his arm around her waist. His other hand, having moved her hair from her face was now gently stroking her jawline. Both her hands were flat against his chest and she could feel his heart begin to beat faster. She suddenly felt scared. Finn had happened so quickly and easily she had given it no thought at all and before she could even begin to process it, his girlfriend had arrived. She had decided then and there that men were a bad idea and had been careful to brush off anybody at camp who seemed too interested.

She hadn't really thought of Bellamy that way. Sure, she had gone from her initial dislike of him, to actually respecting and even trusting him. But "like" liking him? Obviously she had noticed how he looked, as had every girl in camp. He wandered around shirtless often enough and even the most critical observer couldn't deny he was in good shape. And then there were the freckles. Clarke was a sucker for freckles, especially combined with dark, curly hair and eyes you could drown in. But registering his good looks didn't mean she had feelings for him. Until today. Part of her wanted to run, overwhelmed by the intensity in his eyes. But stronger than that was the compulsion to follow this, whatever it was, as far as it would go.

"Clarke?" Bellamy whispered. His eyes were soft and still full of pain. She knew what the question was. He wouldn't do anything unless he was sure it was okay with her and this unexpected vulnerability pushed her over the edge. Hell, she had just told him she needed him and right now she needed him in more ways than one. She leaned slowly forward, making her intention obvious and he met her halfway.

If she had thought about kissing Bellamy she would have expected a rough, demanding kiss, full of passion and fire and pushiness. But this kiss was tender and sweet and almost tentative. He drew back briefly, looking into her eyes, still not sure she meant to be kissing him, not punching him. The answer there was clear and his lips came back to hers with more confidence, firm but still so gentle. His hand moved to the back of her head, stroking her neck through her hair. She slid her hands down his chest, enjoying the feel of his muscles beneath his shirt and the hitch in his breathing her movement caused. Her hands slid further down til they found the bottom of his shirt and the smooth skin beneath. Bellamy deepened the kiss and pulled her closer as his hand moved to the skin at her waist where her shirt had ridden up.

Clarke was totally lost in the beautiful, broken boy in front of her. Finn had been her first time and it had been sweet and lovely but she hadn't known anyone could make her feel the way she was feeling now. When she told him she needed him it was nothing but the truth and here, in his arms, she felt whole. Just for a while, nothing else mattered. She didn't need to ask Bellamy if she was just another notch on his bedpost, she could feel her need echoed in him. Not the need for just any warm, willing body; the need for someone who understood, someone who could really see him.

As if to prove that this was different from his usual hook-ups, instead of moving things forward Bellamy pulled away, leaving Clarke frowning in protest. He leant his forehead against hers, one hand against her face, both of them breathing raggedly.

"Clarke, don't think I don't want this but this isn't really the location I had imagined..."

Clarke looked around the clearing, taking in Dax's body just a couple of metres away.

"Yeah, that is a bit creepy... hey, what do you mean imagined? You thought about this?!"

"Well, you know I fantasise about all the girls in camp..." said Bellamy with a slight smirk.

Clarke briefly registered relief that he was back to himself before thumping him in the chest. He grabbed her and pinned her arms to her sides before leaning in to plant another gentle kiss on her mouth.

"Clarke, you may not have realised, but you're not ugly. Even when you are annoying the crap out of me, I may have occasionally, just once or twice, thought about what it would be like to kiss you. Or more."

Clarke couldn't help but smile at this new information. Who knew? But then she saw his eyes darken again.

"But I never thought it would actually happen. You deserve better than me."

"No", responded Clarke sharply. "You don't get to say that."

She looked into his eyes, seeing the shadows that remained there and cupped one hand to his cheek.

"I think you may be the only thing worth living for right now."

"I meant what I said before. If you want me to stay, I'll stay. We're in this together, right?"

Clarke gave him a shaky smile, "together".

A final kiss sealed the deal then they slowly stood up, gathered their things and, hand in hand, headed back to camp.


End file.
